Controlling and Letting Go

Controlling and Letting Go

Thanks to our artists, we all pretend well; but deep down the layer of pretense is the awareness of the underlying reality. To suppress that reality, we turn to controlling, which is a subconscious way to enhance the reality of our expectations in life.

Most of us are controlling to some extent. Thanks to our culture, underlying every one of us is the inherent belief that we should be in control of everything around us at all times. The American culture advocates control for self-independence and survival.

What exactly is controlling? Why makes people want to control others as well as their own destinies?

Controlling is a coward way of running away from everyday problems; it is a futile attempt to avoid everyday stress. Essentially, it is a direct or subtle way of exerting influence over others so that we may have power over the turns of events in our own lives. In other words, we delude ourselves into thinking that we can make things happen the way we want them to happen in our lives through control and manipulation of others, including ourselves.

Reflective Thought

Control and discipline may look similar but they are different.

Case in Point

We can discipline our children so that they may do the right things without getting into trouble. But many of us still want to “control” them even when they have turned adults; we may want to steer them away from the difficult paths we had trotted ourselves when we were young. That, in reality, is controlling. We can give them advice, but imposing anything on them is deemed as exerting control. “It’s for their own good!” is no more than an excuse to control.

Reflective Thought

Not controlling means willingness in letting go of one’s expectations in life.

Case in Point

The Biblical story of the parable of the prodigal son is a good illustration of what is NOT controlling. (Luke 15: 11-32) In the story, a man had two sons, and the younger son asked for his fortune; the father gave it to him, and he spent it recklessly on women  and gambling. When he was out of money and the land was struck by a famine, he returned home to his father, who welcomed him back with open arms. To many, the story highlights God's forgiveness of repentant sinners. But the story also illustrates the power of letting go and not controlling. 

THE BOOK OF LIFE AND LIVING explains in simple language with common everyday examples to illustrate the essence of Tao wisdom and how it may integrate with conventional wisdom to live a life of your choice.

 THE BOOK OF LIFE AND LIVING is the wisdom in the art of living well.

Stephen Lau

Copyright© by Stephen Lau

Control and Out of Control

CONTROL AND OVER-DOING

Controlling external events is futility because control is but an illusion based on expected results projected by the thinking mind into the future. Concentration on controlling makes it difficult to concentrate on doing the right things to make you live longer.

The TAO, which is the wisdom of Lao Tzu, the ancient sage from China, looks upon the world as something to be accepted, and that involves invoking the profound but paradoxical wisdom of “action through inaction”—which is action based on acceptance of nature or the natural turn of events in life.

“Whenever we try to control,

we separate ourselves from our true nature.

Man proposes; the Creator disposes.

Life is sacred: it flows exactly as it should.

Trusting in the Creator, we return to our breathing,

natural and spontaneous, without conscious control.

In the same manner:

sometimes we have more,

sometimes we have less;

sometimes we exert ourselves,

sometimes we pull back;

sometimes we succeed,

sometimes we fail.

Trusting in the Creator, we see the comings and goings of things,

but without straining and striving to control them.”

(Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching, chapter 29)

According to the TAO, everything in life must follow a natural cycle, whether we like it or not, and that we must be patient because nothing is within our control, especially our destinies.

”That which shrinks
must first expand.
That which fails,
must first be strong.
That which is cast down
must first be raised.
Before receiving, there must be giving.
This is called perception of the nature of things.
Soft and weak overcome hard and strong.”
(Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching, chapter 36)

Spontaneity is the essence of the natural cycle. What goes up must eventually come down; life begets death; day is followed by night—just like the cycle of the four seasons.

"Allowing things to come and go,

following their natural laws,

we gain everything.

Straining and striving,

we lose everything."

(Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching, chapter 48)

Intuition of spontaneity is an understanding of the impermanence of all things: nothing lasts no matter how we strive to keep the impermanent permanent, and everything remains only with that very present moment.

"Strong winds come and go.

So do torrential rains.

Even heaven and earth cannot make them last forever."

(Lao Tzu, Tao Te  Ching, chapter 23)

The bottom line: do what needs to be done, but without over-doing, which causes stress in everyday life and living.

THE TAO OF LIVING LONGER

THE COMPLETE TAO TE CHING IN PLAIN ENGLISH

Stephen Lau                             

Copyright© by Stephen Lau

The Role of Spiritual Wisdom

The Role of Spiritual Wisdom

“Life lives itself in us, when we focus on the Creator.

From that focal point, around which all of life revolves.

We watch everything come and go,

with no judgment, no preference.

Everything that is, was, or ever will be,

will return to its origin: the Creator.

Understanding the comings and goings of things,

we fret not, and judge not.

Focusing on the Creator,

we are open to all of life.

Opening to all of life,

we embrace all with thankfulness for what we get,

with gratitude for not getting what we deserve.

Discovering the true nature of things,

we live with compassion and loving-kindness.

All endings become beginnings, all returning to the Creator.”

(Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching, chapter 16)

        

To seek the Creator, take a look at nature. You will see why it lasts: the reason is that everything does not exist for itself, and that is why it can last forever—they are all inter-connected with one another for existence and survival.

So, focus on others, and not just on yourself. By doing so, you may discover the true meaning of love and loving-kindness.

Opening to all, you learn to appreciate others and connect with them.

“In the absence of the Creator, we forget who we really are.

Then we turn to other things to define who we are, what is good and moral.

In the presence of the Creator, we act according to our hearts,

instead of relying on rules and regulations from those above us.

Rules and regulations may bring fairness and justice,

but no more than a pretense of life.

A pretense of life is our inability to love indiscriminately.

Then we insist on those above us to heal our suffering,

which originates from ourselves.”

(Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching, chapter 18)

Living in the world means following all the rules and regulations that are made exclusively for the world.

If you are in the world but not of the world, these man-made rules and regulations are no more than a pretense of life—abiding by them is not what you would seek in your search for the TAO of living for life.

Stephen Lau        

Copyright© by Stephen Lau

The Paradoxical TAO Wisdom

The Paradoxical TAO Wisdom

The Tao wisdom of Tao Te Ching is paradoxical and even contradictory: it requires the reversal of the common or conventional thinking process in order to truly appreciate and comprehend what Lao Tzu was saying.

To illustrate, according to Tao wisdom, we think with our hearts and only feel with our minds, while in conventional wisdom, we use our minds to think, to reason, and to judge by using our common logic. In Tao, we let the mind do its natural function of feeling and observing, instead of thinking. More specifically, the main function of the human mind is to observe the thoughts in the thinking mind but without any judgment or interference. The Chinese for “I think” is literally “my heart thinks.” (我心想) For centuries, the Chinese have been inculcated with the concept that the heart, and not the mind, is responsible for the ultimate thinking process. However, that is not to contradict the Western concept that the mind thinks. In Tao wisdom, however, “thinking with the heart” figuratively means consciously slowing down the thinking mind, and thereby letting the mind observe the rambling thoughts, instead of having the mind being controlled and overwhelmed by those distracting thoughts. Simply put, the mind mainly feels and observes; it does little thinking and judging in deference to the heart.

To further illustrate the above point, the human mind is like a car, just an instrument of the human brain. The driver is the heart that controls the steering. The car only observes and feels, just as the body does through its five senses. The car does not control its speed or its direction, but the driver does. It is, therefore, important that the car does not exceed the speed limit, because if it goes too fast, it cannot properly observe the surrounding environment with its details, and thus endangering the driver. Similarly, it is also important for the human mind to purposely slow down, so that the individual or the driver can see clearly where he or she is going. Tao wisdom focuses on slowing down the thinking mind, letting it become only the non-judgmental observer so that the heart can make the intelligent choices and decisions in life. According to Lao Tzu, true wisdom is total mental awareness—awareness of what is happening around us, awareness of the nature of things; true wisdom is not based on any human concept, let alone the pre-conditioning of the human mind. That is the reason why it cannot be expressed in words; it has to be experienced and self-intuited by each and every individual. There is no blueprint for all.

Indeed, the Tao wisdom expressed in Tao Te Ching is filled with many paradoxes and contradictory expressions, for example:

 “The more we look, the less we see.

The more we hear, the less we listen.

The more we crave, the crazier we become.”

(Chapter 12, Tao Te Ching)

Stephen Lau

Copyright© by Stephen Lau

The Wisdom to Live Longer

the wisdom of centenarians

The Ancient Centenarian: Luigi Cornaro

Luigi Cornaro, a Venetian nobleman, was one of the most celebrated centenarians, who lived from 1464 to 1566 AD.

In his youth, Luigi had abused his health with a lifestyle of wantonness and excess, resulting in an extremely weak constitution, accompanied by many physical ailments.

At the age of thirty-five, he was given up by his physicians to die. Luigi’s physicians prescribed a temperate lifestyle as the only way to end his suffering and preserve his very fragile life. That temperate lifestyle was essentially the exercise of self-restraint or self-discipline in relation to diet and drink for calorie restriction. His physician recommended for him a diet consisting of only twelve ounces a day of solid foods of bread, a vegetable soup with tomato, an egg yolk, and a little meat, divided into two meals, and fourteen ounces of pure grape juice, also divided into two servings.

He lived on that minimal diet of calorie restriction from age thirty-five until eighty-five, when his relatives began to urge him to eat a little more since he was getting old and he required more physical strength and stamina. Complying with and succumbing to their well wishes and importunities, Luigi reluctantly agreed to increase his food intake from twelve to fourteen ounces. Immediately, he became seriously ill with high fever. Eventually, Luigi had the longevity wisdom to revert to his former anti-aging living with a diet of calorie restriction. As a result, he lived in a state of unbroken health and happiness until the age of one hundred and two.

Luigi was famous for his longevity living in relation to calorie restriction. He expressed his wisdom in his discourse when he was in his eighties and nineties. His wisdom has been an inspiration for more than five centuries. His longevity wisdom was simple and down-to-earth: never overeat; avoid environmental stress, such as extreme heat and cold; and avoid extreme fatigue, and interruption of sleep.

The bottom line: you don't have to eat such a low-calorie diet of Luigi in order to live long; just eat less, and eat only when you are hungry.

The Contemporary Centenarian: Dr. Shigeaki Hinohara

Dr. Shigeaki Hinohara, from Japan, turned 104 recently, and he is one of the world's longest-serving physicians and educators. Since 1941, he has been healing patients at St. Luke's International Hospital in Tokyo and teaching at St. Luke's College of Nursing. He has published around 15 books since his 75th birthday, including his bestseller "Living Long, Living Good."

As the founder of the New Elderly Movement, Hinohara encourages others to live a long and happy life with the following wisdom he would like to share with all:

·  Dr. Shigeaki Hinohara stresses the importance of not becoming overweight.

·    For breakfast, Dr. Shigeaki Hinohara drinks coffee, milk, and orange juice with a tablespoon of olive oil, which is for healthy arteries and healthy skin. For lunch, he drinks milk with a few cookies. For dinner, he eats vegetables, a bit of fish and rice, and, sometimes some lean meat.

· He always keeps himself busy with a full schedule ahead. He recommends that any retirement should be a lot later than 65.

·       He shares what he knows—one of the reasons why he is still working and teaching. When he teaches, he always stands to stay strong.

·       He recommends having a second thought or always seeking a second opinion whenever a doctor recommends a test, a procedure, or a surgery.

·      He believes that doctors cannot cure everyone. Instead, he believes in music and animal therapy. 

·     He recommends taking the stairs and carrying your own stuff to stay healthier and younger for longer.

·  He uses doing fun things to forget his pain, both physical and emotional.

·    He recommends letting go of all material things because nobody knows when his or her number is up, and nothing can be taken to the next place.

·  He believes that each person is unique, and illness is therefore individualized. But medical science lumps all and sundry together; an individual should understand why he or she is sick, and not the doctor. Science alone cannot cure or help you; you must learn to help yourself.

·     He believes that life is always filled with unpredictable incidents. So, be prepared.

·       He stresses the importance of finding a role model to help with setting life goals and life purposes.

·      He believes that energy comes from doing good and feeling good, and not from good food or good sleep.

·   To Dr. Shigeaki Hinohara, it is always wonderful to live long, and he loves every minute of it.

YOU JUST DON’T DIE!

YOUNGER AND HEALTHIER FOR LONGER

Stephen Lau

Copyright© by Stephen Lau

Nobody Is Perfect!

Depression is no more than a personal struggle against unattainable happiness, which is the essence of life and living. Therefore, almost everybody is always in quest of happiness. Sadly, to many, the quest for happiness is forever unreachable—just like a carrot-and-stick in front of a mule; the more pain inflicted on the mule by the stick: the more desire the mule demonstrates to reach out for the forever unattainable carrot in front. In many ways, a depressed individual is just like that mule with self-inflicted pain, which is the depression—the more unhappy that individual feels, the more depressed that individual will become, and the longer that vicious cycle of depression will continue, only plunging that depressed individual deeper into a fathomless black hole of despair and hopelessness. Depression is no more than a mental manifestation of the forever unattainable happiness that an individual strives to seek.

But why is human happiness so elusively and evasively unreachable and unattainable? The answer is, surprisingly, quite simple: happiness has to do with one’s perceptions of life experiences, and thus the thinking mind plays a pivotal role in that respect. That is to say, human happiness and the human mind are inter-related; without profound human wisdom, the pursuit of happiness is like wandering in the wilderness without a compass and a road map. Indeed, true human wisdom holds the key to opening the door to understanding true human happiness.

Given the close connection between depression and happiness, understanding true human happiness may help a depressed individual overcome his or her depression.

One of the causes of depression or human unhappiness is the human obsession with imperfections: many of us are aware of our own imperfections, making us striving to be someone we are not, while often comparing us with others.

There was an ancient Chinese fable of a stonecutter who worked so hard cutting stones that he often felt stressed and depressed.

One day, while standing behind a huge stone where he was cutting his stones, he looked up at the sky, and saw the beautiful sun. Then, he wished he were the sun that could give warmth and sunshine to everyone on earth. A fairy came to him and granted him his wish, so he became the sun.

For a while, he was happy and contented. Then, one day, a big cloud came over, blocked out everything from his view, and he could not see what was below. He became distressed and unhappy, and wished he were the cloud, instead of the sun. Again, the fairy came to his rescue, and granted him his wish. He became the cloud, and began drifting and floating happily and peacefully in the sky.

After a while, a strong wind came and scattered the cloud in different directions. Now, he wished he were the strong wind that could blow away anything and everything that stood in his way. Again, the fairy made his wish come true: he became the strong wind, blowing here and there. For a while, he was happy and contented.

Then, one day, he found out that he could not blow away the big stone behind which he used to cut stones. Worse, he was stuck there, going nowhere. Now, finally, he began to realize that was where he belonged. He made his one last wish to become the stonecutter that he used to be. The fairy granted him his last wish, and now he was contented to be the stonecutter again.

The moral of the fable: any comparison and contrast between self and others—or even between the current self and the self in the past—is often a stumbling block to self-contentment, the lack of which will direct one's thoughts inward and generate depression. Indeed, if you are discontent with what you have or what you are, while matching an area of your own deficiency with that of someone else’s obvious strength, you are in fact preparing the groundwork for your own depression. It is just that simple!

Stephen Lau

Copyright© by Stephen Lau

Two-in-One

 You are two-in-one. In fact, we all are, to a certain extent.

There are two persons inside you: one is your ego-self; the other is your spirit. Your ego-self and your spirit co-exist; one is living in the physical or material world, while the other is living in a totally different environment. There is continuous interaction between the two until one dominates over the other.

Your ego-self tells you that you are separate from everyone else. Your ego-self wants more of everything not only to define who you are but also to separate you from others. Your ego-self is forever judgmental -- not only self-evaluating, but also assessing others through comparison and contrast. As a result, your ego-self is always shifting and shuffling between the past and the future -- how to better the old ego-self in the past, and visualize the new ego-self in the future. 

Your spirit is the built-in conscience that can tell you what is right and wrong, as well as what is good and evil. 

The classic illustration of the two-in-one is Robert Louis Stevenson's famous story of the dark side and the bright side of human nature -- the duality of man. In his famous story of "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," he presented Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde both as having a dark side within them, where evil is always lurking underneath to surface anytime. Both of them hide their evil away, pretending that it never exists. In the end, it turns out that Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde are actually one and the same person.

In a way, we all have Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde inside us because we are two-in-one. Our ego  and spirit co-exist. So, how do we let one control, if not overcome, the other so that we can be a better and happier person? Click here for more details.

Stephen Lau

Copyright© by Stephen Lau

A Toxic Body

Your body may be toxic if you frequently experience aches and pains in different parts of your body.

Your body may be toxic if you don’t have natural sleep, which is the capability to fall asleep within half an hour or so without the aid of any sleep medication.

Your body may be toxic if you don’t have regular bowel movements. “Regular” means you have at least 2 to 3 bowels a day; having once a day or every other day is “irregular.”

Your body may be toxic if you have chronic fatigue, that is, feeling tired and listless day in and day out even without any strenuous physical exertion.

Your body may be toxic if you have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and high blood sugar levels.

Your body may be toxic if you are excessively overweight or underweight.

Your body may be toxic if you have difficulty with breathing, or you are short of breath after some physical activity.

Your body is toxic if you are a regular smoker or an alcohol drinker.

Your body is toxic if you have been on several prescription drugs for some time.

Your body is toxic if you have a chronic disease, such as cancer, diabetes, or an autoimmune diseas

Your body lives in the physical world, and thus it plays a pivotal role in your overall being, including your mind and your soul. Science has already attested to the close connection between the body and the mind: the body affects the mind as much as the mind affects the body.

Human emotions, in particular, affect the physical body. In Woody Allen's movie Annie Hall, Diane Keaton would like to know why he wasn’t angry. "I don't get angry," he humorously replied, "I grow a tumor instead." Indeed, toxic emotions can lead to a toxic body.

According to Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), human emotions are the major underlying causes of disease because Chinese physicians believe that certain body organs are related to emotional activities; for example, the heart is related to joy, the liver to anger, the spleen to obsessive thoughts, the lungs to anxiety, and the kidneys to fear. Therefore, excessive emotions disrupt the free flow of qi, the life-giving energy that flows through the body, and thus causing imbalance and disharmony that may lead to disease and disorder.

In addition, human behaviors—often a byproduct of human emotions—affect the mind, just as emotions of the mind affect the body. According to a study at Ohio State University in 2003, physical behavior, such as enhanced body language of nodding in agreement or shaking head in disagreement, may significantly affect how we think without our knowing it. According to that study, even posture, such as sitting up straight, may be conducive to remembering positive memories or thinking positively, because posture changes the production of human hormones.

The interconnection between the body and the mind is further evidenced by the indisputable notion that a healthy heart produces a healthy brain by pumping sufficient oxygen and nutrients to nourish the brain through its bloodstream.

Stephen Lau

Copyright© by Stephen Lau

My New BLOG: LIVING-LONGER-WISDOM

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Get the WISDOM to live as if everything is a miracle: live a life of balance and harmony.in this chaotic world.

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Stephen Lau

Anything Is Everything

ANYTHING IS EVERYTHING

What is meant by “anything is everything”?

It may have different meanings and different interpretations to different individuals.

First of all, human perceptions are subjective and individualized: they are affected not only by the five senses, but also by the unique experiences of an individual, as well as by the indelible memories of those experiences retained in the mind of that individual. Therefore, what is important to you may not be as important to others, and vice-versa. For this reason, anything could be everything to you, but not to others.

An illustration

Near the end of 2016, a road rage occurred in Arkansas that ended in the tragic death of a 3-year-old child. 

A woman, with her 3-year-old grandson sitting at the back of her car, stopped at a stop sign. A man in the car right behind honked her for not starting her car immediately, but the woman honked back; thus the road rage began with the man firing a gun shot at the back of the woman’s car.

Stopping too long at a stop sign, or wanting to get to a place on time might be everything to the man. Having the right to remain where she was might also be everything to the woman, so she naturally honked back.  

Unfortunately, that anything-is-everything incident ended in tragedy—the death of the woman’s three-year-old grandson being shot dead while sitting at the back of her car.

In real life, anything could be everything to real people—it all depends on their respective perspectives of anything is everything.

            

Another illustration

In 2012, a Chinese couple from Hong Kong filed a lawsuit against an education consultant in the United States for $2 million dollars, who promised that he could—but ultimately did not—get their two sons into Harvard University. 

The couple had used “improper” but maybe still perfectly “legal” means to get their two sons into Harvard University.

Getting into an elite college or university may be everything to many students, including their parents. Some might even resort to doing anything in order to achieve that goal, which is everything to them.

A similar illustration

A pastor from Hong Kong was invited to give a sermon in China. A woman from the congregation asked the pastor if it was “right” to give money to get her son into an elite school in China. The pastor replied by saying: “Your son getting into that elite school would also imply depriving another child of that same opportunity you are seeking for your child.”

A year later, the pastor met the same woman, who told him that her son had got into that elite school but without using her kwganxi or connection. The pastor then said to her: “See, God is in control; if you would just let Him.”

Now, what is your own take on “anything is everything”?

Stephen Lau

Copyright© by Stephen Lau